The Importance of a Zipper

I recently shared the good news of my youngest daughter. She is engaged and has set a date for her nuptials. November, 2022. That’s 13 months away. There’s much to be done in that time, but I find it curious that my daughters and daughters-in-laws seem to be channeled in a peculiar way.   

I’d like to fill you in on the dress search so far. No, not for my daughter, but rather for me. Although the young women in my life are all pretty cute in their affection for me, I feel like we are embarking on quite the adventure. 

First, you need to understand I hate to shop. I mean the thought of spending an afternoon at an outlet mall is like asking me sit through an extra-inning baseball game with no score. Shopping is painful. I am much more comfortable with screen scrolling. My girls know me well, so they’ve been sending me “suggested” links to dresses they think I might like. Because I know this will take a while, I’m clicking and ordering galore. I am thinking I need to leave bottled water and granola bars on my front porch for my UPS and FedEx drivers. I anticipate being on first name basis by mid-November. 

The first dress came. Of course, it looked great on the website model. Well, I opened the box, removed the dress from its plastic overlay. I went to try it on. The only problem was, there was no zipper. I searched every seam; but alas, was this long, fitted dress meant to just slip on? Believe me, I have quite a few tent dresses wide enough to hide a few of my grandchildren. They don’t need zippers. But this evening dress? I was perplexed. It took two of us, my husband and me, to bunch the dress, work to slip it overhead onto my arms, while at the same time find my head buried somewhere in the collapsed folds of materials that felt infinite. Claustrophobia inside a dress? Yes, but getting it over my head was only half the problem. Pulling and tugging it over the rest of my body made me feel like Cinderella’s stepsister and her oversized foot. I lost myself, literally. I mean, who makes a dress without a zipper? 

Such drama; and this was only dress number one. The next dress is scheduled to come 1 size smaller than I normally wear, and I even ordered it that way. Why not? I thought as I clicked “complete order.” For a nanosecond, I thought I could surely complete a P90-X, intermittent fasting, vegan regime by the time the dress arrives and perhaps not even need a zipper. Wait, what? I quickly awoke from the bad dream, reset, and did a quick pep talk in post 60-year-old self-acceptance. I’ll be returning that box in a split second. Who knew self-actualization is supported by free shipping?

Knowing me, this “shopping” will get old, real quick. I appreciate the loving energy of my daughters, but 13 months is a long time to think about a dress. We are in a flurry of enthusiasm at the moment, and I have a few more shipments to arrive. I’m sure between now and my daughter’s wedding day I’ll find something great. But I also know I could wear a burlap potato sack and still feel radiant. After all, being Holly’s mom alone is enough to make any mom feel beautiful. She’s pretty great and I’ll be thrilled to share in her joy. Knowing me, even cybershopping will rapidly morph into fatigue. All in all, I’m not concerned about any dress.  Regardless of burlap potato sack or sleek satin; as long as there’s a zipper, I’ll be just fine.