When in Doubt, Say Something

I love a friend who has a friend she really loves. I’ve known this young woman for a long time, so when I heard of her family’s encounter with a tough cancer diagnosis, my heart broke. I was also informed that my friend’s friend didn’t really like to talk about it. In other words, she preferred to keep her heartache close to the vest. Recently, I ran into this friend of a friend, and after sharing a warm hug (which we would do under any circumstance), I was faced with the question; do I say something acknowledging her family burden, or not? My sense was she was guarded. I get it. People carry around worries that feel more under control when kept corralled or tucked just below the surface of a very wobbly heart. It’s easier in some ways not to talk about your burdens. I’ve been on both sides of dealing with adversity, carrying personal heartache through silence as well as making very public our family’s journey through adversity. I mean, I even wrote a book about it all. You can’t get more public than that.

Yet, I remember when I lost my oldest brother to suicide. That was almost 40 years ago, and the world wasn’t nearly as open to the discussion of suicide related issues as it is now. I was in my early 20’s, and I could count on one hand those outside of my family who knew of Pat’s death and subsequently acknowledged the pain and unique sorrow surrounding our loss. I distinctly remember the feeling of looking normal on the outside, but my insides were pulsating with grief that had nowhere to go. If only that hurt could have found an exit pathway through someone’s caring eyes and simple words, “I am so sorry,” or, “How are you doing?”

I get it. People are uncomfortable in knowing what to say. Words might feel trite and seem inadequate, not to mention getting beneath the surface of polite banter might thrust you into that very uncomfortable territory of emotional exposure. Hiding pain might feel like you are retaining control, but sharing vulnerability makes you, well, more vulnerable. I realize that is very uncomfortable for many, including me sometimes.

This is what I have come to know for sure. The burden of carrying grief, heartache or worry without a healthy exit portal makes the burden even heavier. Trust me, if you are wondering whether or not to say something to someone who you know is traversing the realm of difficult diagnoses, trauma, illness, or loss, my advice is to say something. A hurting heart doesn’t need eloquence or wisdom. Rather, the gift of compassion by way of tender eyes, the touch of a hand, or a well-meaning “How are you?” may leave an imprint on a hurting heart that just may linger far beyond what you think is a chance encounter.

A few hours after I bumped into my friend’s friend, I received a text from her.. She thanked me for going to that place where her heartache needed a portal. She wrote, “The ability to talk and vent a little is so healing.” I feel like eventually we will all get to a place where we are thrust  into the world of sustaining hope or reconciling sorrow. It’s just part of our human condition. Rarely does someone go untouched by hardship. Therefore, my guess is, you can’t go wrong by extending compassion in the form of a few words. Healing, even in snippets, can all begin with the well-meaning offering, “How are you…really?”

What a kind gift of simple words.

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash