When Whole Is No Longer Whole
Today, my husband and his family will be celebrating the life of his brother, Greg who passed a few months ago. Gathering with extended family and friends, we will laugh and allow space to shed tears as remembrances are brought to life by being together with those who loved him.
Growing up, siblings can be fun. They can also be annoying, frustrating and sometimes down right infuriating. Just ask the older sister how she feels when the younger sister wears her favorite sweater without asking, or gets into the new eyeshadow. Or, what about the much younger brother who takes a permanent marker to the 4th grade science project due the next day? Whether they share chores or share a bedroom, sibling bonds are solidified by a vast continuum of experiences accrued over years of sharing life together. Epic games of Monopoly during snow days and dinner table glances that speak volumes skim the surface of how sibling camaraderie is etched in our lives. Even when siblings are at odds with one another, the unwavering bond remains, whether we like it or not.
When my family lost my brother, Pat, almost 40 years ago, our devastation traversed every facet of our existence; but the earthquake of sibling unity felt especially painful. Pat was the oldest, and his quiet strengths and sure presence provided an anchor for the rest of us. Losing the North Star of him took us all by surprise and our grief was compounded by his absence from how we always experienced togetherness. That was a long time ago, yet I still miss the completeness of all my brothers and sister. Big life has happened since his passing, and I still pine for the possibilities of how he would have been connected with my children and grandchildren. He would have been a grandfather, too. At least for me, I totally took for granted the cohesive component each sibling brings to the family dynamic until we lost not only Pat, but my second brother, Neil as well. Since then, my remaining siblings and I ooze with awareness that we’ll always remain acutely connected to our sibling unit as a whole.
My husband is one of 7 siblings. I’ve been around his family long enough to appreciate the mutual love and appreciation they all have for one another. As with many families, the role each plays in the greater family dynamic is quite distinct and special. There’s the funny one, the organized one, the creative one, and the one who makes sure everyone else is ok. Today will be the first time they are all together without Greg, yet I imagine the memories of his unique giggle, priceless smile, and love of the Dayton Flyers will rise in the shared space. I’m certain Greg’s spirit will be alive and well as we all spend the day together in celebration. Being together will be a renewal of love for him and all he was in his family.
Friends come and go, but siblings are for life. I remember my mom (an only child) pounding into our hearts and mind the reminder that, as brothers and sisters, we are one another’s greatest gifts. I’ve experienced that awareness of sibling treasure, and I’ve been known to tell my own kids that as well. For today, however, it’s nice to remember those brothers and sisters we’ve lost. Offering a quiet note of appreciation for how they enriched our emergence into the world beyond doing dishes together is a good exercise from time to time. For today, smiles of appreciation for Greg will make our world just a bit brighter with gratitude for all he was to all of us.